Non Violant Communication and codependency

The first time I heard of co-dependency in relation to NVC, was online. I was confused by the weird ways people were doing the process and had a conversation with another fellow human being about it. He, said: “a lot of people doing the process are co-dependent.” This has followed me through my 5-year long journey with the process.

The signature of co-dependency is a lack of self-care and trouble identifying boundaries within yourself and others, especially in relation to a person who is dysfunctional ( drug user, mentally ill ). Co-dependents usually use the strategy of “fixing” other people to meet their need for safety and connection.

The way I see codependency manifest in NVC is

• Doing empathy guesses when the other person has not expressed that they want it

When I first learned NVC, I did this a lot. I gave empathy to dates, friends, and other people involved in my life. It almost always left me with a bitter aftertaste. It felt icky, and for a good reason. People want the option to choose when to be vulnerable, and doing empathy guesses without them consenting is coercive. Nowadays I only do it with people that I have an established relationship with, where I know they are comfortable with vulnerability, and if a practitioner asks for it. I've also been on the other side, receiving unwanted empathy, and it often feels manipulative. Especially when I feel that the person is upset, and they are kind of clenching their teeth, giving me empathy just because they assume that I will listen to them when they are done. And let's be real, it's not conducive to being emotionally close to all people. To keep doing empathy guesses on people without permission and without noticing that it makes them uncomfortable is a lack of attunement to their boundaries.

• Expecting people in the NVC community to do empathy guesses, without checking in if they have space or feel joy in giving empathy

Equally to the need for a choice of when to be vulnerable, I also want the choice of when to give empathy. If you have read my previous blog posts you know that I don't take empathy lightly. It´s serious business. I'm not a good empathizer if I´m stressed, anxious, or don't have my basic needs met. To give empathy is a choice, and to have the presumption that I'm willing to empathize on the spot all the time just because I know NVC, is also coercive. I'm not a good little giraffe girl because I spit out empathy guesses to the left and right. It´s boundaryless.

• The idea that all behaviors and triggers just need empathy, no matter how abusive, mean, or threatening they are

I'm certain that this feels especially close to my heart because of my background. I grew up with a lot of dysfunction and I am still healing from it. I eat knowledge about abuse for breakfast, and I follow Dr. Ramani ( an expert on narcissism ) on youtube like a baby duck following its mother. According to Ramani, and I agree, enabling abusive behaviors is just as abusive as the actual abuse, if not even more. Giving empathy to abusive people without setting boundaries and consequences is equal to enabling them. I've seen this happen several times. Giving them empathy because you are hoping for a certain outcome is manipulative. From what I've seen it's not even helpful. People with this level of trauma and defenses live on others giving them empathy. That is how they get away with their behavior. Accountability and responsibility are thrown out the window, in favor of empathy, in these situations. And as Ramani says, one-sided empathy is not empathy. Empathy is a two side street. Instead of empathy, they need effective healing modalities.

• Bull-dozing people´s “NO”

Boundaries are a complex subject, and people want simple answers. When people say no, it's because it doesn't meet their needs, according to NVC. For me, this is true. It´s when we start to guess the feelings and needs ( giving them unwanted empathy ) of the person saying no, that I see people getting into trouble. Depending on the situation and the relationship, this can be helpful, to reach a solution that is beneficial to all involved. If I´m proposing something to a group I´m involved in, and someone says “no”, it can be helpful to know their needs, to adjust the proposal. If I make a request to a friend, and they say no, it can be connective to reflect their needs. But when we start guessing the feelings and needs of strangers, where they either don't know NVC, or vulnerability is not appropriate, it can feel very invasive. Getting a no is painful, but we want to be careful so we don't cover up that pain by pushing their boundary with empathy guesses. Especially if they are not wanted or appropriate. Do I want to respect and care for the needs of this person, or am I giving them unwanted empathy because I'm in pain?

• Seeing one single person as a strategy, demanding this person to include your needs because “all needs matter”, and that's what they are supposed to do when they do NVC.

I'm guilty of doing this in my romantic relationships, just to realize that sometimes we´re simply not compatible. I want to be in a relationship where the person feels joy meeting my needs. I'm currently not in a partnership but I do have some assistance in my home, because of a disability. I've changed assistants a couple of times until I found one that is easy to work with. I can see how excited she is about meeting my needs. There is no defensiveness when I suggest things, and she often tells me that it's easy to work with me because she doesn't have to guess what I want. She simply feels joy meeting the needs I have, and I'm meeting her need for ease and clarity by being the way I am. I also trust that she will say no if my requests are not possible. Relationships are easy when we apply no force and at the same time value our own needs. And the truth is that some people are no good fit, no matter how skillful we are at communicating or how many times we listen and understand them. Humans are strategies. Should this particular person meet my needs, or can I broaden my perspective to find other ways to get my needs met?

• Giving unsolicited advice and feeling insulted when people don't appreciate our “care”

This is well known. if you google “codependency and unsolicited advise” you get countless articles about it. It's also common in narcissism and anxious attachment style. But they have different reasons for doing it. What they all have in common is that they are trying to “fix” the other person, to meet needs that they have. And if they can´t have their needs met, they get upset. It´s a strategy that you force on another person, to meet a need for yourself if the advice is not wanted. To chronically give unsolicited advice is ultimately a boundary violation.

So the burning question now, might be: am I shaming co-dependent people, labeling them whenever they need empathy, telling them that they need to change? The answer is simply NO. I´m a healing co-dependent myself, slowly realizing how boundaryless my use of non violent communication has been. I'm writing this to create some awareness around different behaviors I see in myself and the community and why they might be hard to change. No amount of empathy is gonna transform this. I hit a wall with NVC recently, because I realized that knowing the method by book, is not gonna change my deep-seated patterns. I needed to find healing modalities to get to the root of these tendencies.

Empathy guesses are not a universal glue, that fixes everything. And they “work” best the more healthy boundaries we have.